On Bravery and Courage

So many people throughout my preparations for coming to India used the word ‘brave’ to describe me when I told them of my plans. Every time I heard the words, “Wow! You are so brave,” I felt almost at a loss for words. I had to sincerely stop and think about whether I agreed with them or not. Was I brave? I had not really thought about it too critically in those terms.

In planning for my fieldwork, I never considered that bravery may be playing a role. Excitement for the adventures ahead and longing to make familiar the places I’d only ever heard about were my central feelings, but I most certainly hadn’t thought about the ‘bravery’ of it.

After this run in with the word ‘brave’ in the context of my travels, I found myself reflecting often on the question, “What is brave about what I’m doing?”

As I didn’t have an answer and had begun my travels, I let this question slip to the back of my mind and immersed myself in my adventure.

Earlier this year, my friend Ranjit from the Sustainability Management program at Waterloo introduced me (virtually) to a friend of his in Bangalore, Adhiti. We got to talking about the city, Indian culture, her work at the Indian Institute of Science and what to expect from my time in general. Quite unexpectedly though, she invited me to come to a wedding with a group of her friends over my first weekend in India. Without hesitation, I gave a resounding, “Yes!”

There are many people who say if you go to India, you must attend a wedding. I had the faint hope of being able to go to one, but I didn’t dream I would be able to start my time in India this way. Adhiti even took me shopping on Friday to get a proper kurti for the ceremony!

The ceremony and reception took place on Sunday about 4 or 5 hours outside Bangalore in the Coorg region of Karnataka. Our road trip to the wedding was filled with a mix of some classic western hits from over the decades (think Eric Clapton, Abba, Red Hot Chili Peppers, ACDC, and Ed Sheeran) as well as some popular Hindi music. I loved getting to hear everyone singing along to songs from Rajinikanth and Linkin Park alike. I road along on the jump seat in the back of the car with Adhiti, listening to the conversations held amongst friends and feeling deeply grateful to be a welcomed part of this group.

We made great time getting to our destination (thanks to our 4AM start time) and were able to do some adventuring on Saturday. After a quick rest and refresh at our hostel, we headed to Madikeri, a town situated on the top of a hill at just under 4,000 ft elevation. We had a much anticipated traditional Coorg lunch made up of many good looking meat dishes and a super tasty coconut-based curry for the vegetarians. After our appetites were satiated, we ventured to the Vivanta Hotel, where my friend Ankur’s parents were staying for a week.

While the drive out to the hotel was slightly nauseating (even my friends were complaining about the quality of the road – that’s how you know it was bad!), we arrived at one of the most luxurious hotels I have ever seen.

After crossing 2 guard posts, we valet parked and stepped out onto the reception area’s deck. I say ‘deck’ because I cannot think of a better word to describe what we were standing on. Suffice it to say the word ‘deck’ doesn’t capture the prolific quality of that place, with its infinity edge water feature, expensive stone construction, and sweeping views over the valley below.

Having travelled through the overcrowded city of Bangalore, having seen the deep poverty of some people living along the way to Madikeri, and having heard the plight of beggars in the streets, I sincerely didn’t know how to feel about the place I was sitting. I looked around and reflected on the beauty of it and the envy I felt for those wealthy enough to stay there, but then I also recognized the very constructed, contrived, artificial place they had created amongst the jungle-covered hills.

In ways, I feel like I straddle the line between these two perspectives of the world. Having grown up in California, I appreciate the comfortable style of western living that many of us enjoy and take for granted. I love my parents’ home in San Diego with its comfortable beds and couches and great food.  At the same time, my heart yearns for authenticity of experience and honoring that the world is generally not the comfortable place we think it to be.

Forgoing the comfortable atmosphere in order to explore more, we returned to Madikeri where we hiked through the scenic old fortress, which today houses a seemingly out of place church and some government offices.  After exploring the fortress grounds, we found a restaurant with delicious coffee drinks (the Coorg region is full of coffee farmers so they are well known for having really superb coffee), shopped for some herbs, and tasted a few of the local homemade wines.

 

With the excitement of the wedding the next day, we piled back into the car and drove to our hostel. After a good night’s rest (or at least as good as one can sleep in a room with 9 people), we got up and prepared to attend the wedding ceremony. I felt so excited to get to wear my kurti and immerse myself more fully into this way of life. One of my friends called it ‘my Indian costume’ and that was an apt assessment. My travel companions complimented how great I looked, Adhiti drew a bindi on my forehead, and then we were off to the ceremony with 2,000 of the bride and grooms’ closest friends and family.                               

I cannot describe everything that happened at the wedding because there was sincerely just so much going on simultaneously, but I will share the highlights.

As we walked up, we could see people dressed in traditional Coorgi garb gathering around 12 large banana shoots. We said hi to the brother of the groom and Adhiti’s roommate, Vikram, who had invited us to come and then a flurry of activity began.

First, 3 men chopped down the banana shoots with ceremonial sword-like weapons. Historically, Coorg culture was full of warriors who often had to battle for their territory. In days of old, as a groom and his family made the journey to pick up the bride, they would have to fight enemies along the way. The chopping down of the banana shoots symbolizes this traditional journey today.

After this, the bridal party made their way toward the hall where all the ceremonies would take place. This procession was a beautiful process to behold between the traditional garments and the mountainous backdrop.

As there were about 2,000 people in attendance, they greeted guests for 2 straight hours. While the bride and groom where still greeting guests, my friends and I took a self-proclaimed intermission and went to have lunch. There were 3 of us who are vegetarians (the food for us in India is called ‘pure veg’) so we made our way to the table serving the meatless options. Along the way, a woman stopped us and said, “That one is the vegetarian food,” assuming that as I was an American, I must be mistaking which line I was heading toward. We assured her that this was the correct line for us and proceeded on. The women handing out the plates also tried to direct me inside, making my companions and me laugh heartily, and we again assured them that I was to eat ‘pure veg.’

We had some amazingly delicious curries, dahl, roti (like a wheat tortilla), and rice, then moved back to the wedding hall where the bride and groom were just finishing greeting guests and beginning the actual wedding ceremony. We watched and talked and laughed and reflected on how crazy it would feel to be getting married right now, as well as the nuances of arranged marriage and finding love on your own.

The reception was just as serene and memorable as the ceremony, but just with much more dancing and drinking. While we danced the night away and had more delicious food, the bride completed a walk with water from a nearby well balanced on her head, symbolizing one of the traditional wedding practices, called the neer edpa ceremony, when brides would carry water over a long distance to their husbands-to-be. While the bride at this wedding was maybe only a few hundred yards away from her destination, this walk took place over 4 or 5 hours with her taking one single step every 5 minutes or so. I made a mental note to myself that this was not a practice I would adopt for my own future wedding.

Pretty soon, the weekend was over and we were headed back to Bangalore. Riding in the car, I found myself slightly speechless at times as I realized I had just made lifelong friends after an amazing time experiencing something completely new.  And this was just within my first few days! How lucky am I?

Looking back now on my first weekend in India, I can see perhaps why some people thought me brave. I am in a country completely foreign to some, doing things and chasing experiences that many people would never dare to check off their private bucket list. I am traveling with people who are nearly strangers to me. I am eating foods I’ve never tried before. I am walking on ground my feet have never touched… until now.

Humbly, I decline the title of ‘brave.’ Bravery to me implies some sort of infallible fearlessness. Merriam-Webster agrees, defining brave as “feeling or showing no fear; not afraid.” I am not fearless, so I am not brave. I remember waking up on the day of my flight to India thinking, “I don’t have to go. I can still not go.” But instead of succumbing to the fear of leaving my comfortable life in California, I got up and put on my shoes and stepped out into the world.

As an agreeable alternative, perhaps I am courageous. Merriam-Webster defines courage as “the ability to do something that you know is difficult or dangerous.” I very consciously choose all my experiences. Some may deem them difficult and some may call them dangerous. While sometimes I may even agree, I still choose these experiences.

Growth doesn’t come from remaining in your comfort zone. It comes from choosing the road less travelled, talking to strangers and turning them into friends, experiencing different ways of life, and singing ‘Layla’ at the top of your lungs on the road to a new place. It comes from consciously saying yes to the opportunities that may seem scary, but really just represent a foray into the unknown.

As I sit at my work space in Bangalore at the Ashoka Trust for Research on the Environment and Ecology (ATREE) working away on my thesis, my heart longs for the chances coming – chances to choose courage and say, “Yes!” to opportunities to explore the unknown. I add these journeys to my human experience and get to share them in the beautiful community I’ve built around the world – one built primarily through choosing courage and the road less travelled time and time again. I know this journey will continue to take me to beautiful places, physically and mentally, that allow me see the world through many eyes and with eyes wide open.

Until then, Namaste.

– Dani